Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Be Careful What You Wish For

I distinctly remember saying to someone, once, just a few years ago, "I love knitting so much. Gosh, I love knitting. I love knitting so much I wish I could just knit and knit all day, every day, and never do anything else but knit."

Those words, spoken from innocence, have been looping in my brain for the past few weeks, because some evil eavesdropping genie granted my damned wish. I have in fact been knitting and knitting all day, every day, and not doing anything else but knitting. I have a new furrow in my brow that bears a striking resemblance to a US 0 dpn; and one night I was getting ready for bed when I noticed this on my chest and upper arms:

Skin Condition

I appear to have broken out in lace charting symbols.

My doctor, who doesn't knit (he prefers Mountmellick embroidery) is stupified. I hoped he'd have some cream to clear it up, but apparently there are no other verified cases in the annals of medicine. Isn't that special? Any minute I expect a tap on the door and speedy private transport to an isolation ward at the Mayo Clinic.

Which might be nice. I could get a lot of knitting done in between probes or CAT scans or whatever horrid nosy things they'll do to me in the name of science. (I saw E.T., The Extra-Terrestrial five times. I know what those scientific probe people are like.)

In other words, I have a lot of knitting to do and I have been doing a lot of knitting. Would you like to see it? I'd like to show it to you.

But I can't, because it's almost all knitting for things that other people want to publish in their books and magazines. And those people get justifiably peevish if their designers offer unauthorized sneak previews. And then they don't want to use your work, and then they don't pay you, and then you are forced to live on the cold, mean streets without money for food or yarn.

No yarn!

Which makes it difficult, suddenly, to blog about my knitting.

But I was determined to find a way, and so I took some pictures of a sock I'm working on and asked the publisher if I could, pretty please, show it to you. Just to prove that I haven't given up and joined the macramé achievers. And since I am the publisher, I said yes, but only after I agreed to engage in behavior so vile and degrading you can't even see it on the Internet without paying a stiff recurring membership fee that is billed discreetly to your account as "SARAH PALIN 2012."

(I only mention this so you'll understand how much I love you.)

Here is the sock.

Sock Swatch

It's going to be in three colors of Lorna's Laces Shepherd Sock, two of which you can see here.

(If you think I've been knitting with an awful lot of Lorna's Laces lately, you're what they refer to in my neck of the piney woods as darn tootin'.)

The inspiration was Victorian wallpaper, which I will have you know is not the only thing that inspires me, although after this and this you might well wonder.

(I wondered. I wondered aloud to Beth Casey, who owns Lorna's Laces. "Beth," I asked, "What is it with me and the Victorian wallpaper?" "Sweetie," she replied, "you're very, very gay." So I checked, and she's right, I am.)

But there's no wallpaper in my apartment. Which raises another question, but I have to stop typing now and go put more Calamine Lotion on my yarn overs.

86 comments:

Susan said...

Whatever you do, don't scratch! You'll spread it and make it worse! And if you run with it you might put an eye out.
Very nice! can't wait to see the pattern.

Sally said...

You make me LOL and PMP. Always fun. Thank you.

knit happens said...

Yes, I used to think that I wanted to knit all day, every day. Then a year and a half ago my schedule suddently changed so that I now have four-day weekends. Be careful what you wish for, indeed. That much knitting can put you into a coma, (even though your hands will continue to knit.)

MikeT said...

Dear Dolores,

What is the difference between being gay and being very, very gay? I am not sure myself, and while I thought it had something to do with the number of penises involved, apparently it has something to do with Victorian wallpaper. Please enlighten me, as I would hate to find out after all I have invested that I am not, in fact, gay at all; and if that is the case, I need to prepare certain other men for disappointment.

Also, tell Franklin that if he keeps on showing that much chest fur he will certainly cultivate a stalker or two, especially among lace knitters who just might try to make a shawl based on his unfortunate rash.

Very truly yours,
MikeT

Roxie said...

I'm viewing this on my netbook which shows eensy weensy pic tures, and, gee, the curves and the way the flesh cleaves, I thought you were showing your dorsal cheeks. with the hair worn off on one side because . . ? Gotta read this!

hippiejo said...

Hahahaha!!! You are hilarious :) I'm waiting to break out in lace charts - but I know my roller derby girls would totally love it! :)

JelliDonut said...

Ha ha ha! I also thought this was a photo of your butt, half shaved. I can't believe how fast I clicked on that photo. I'm only mildly disappointed that it's your chest. The sock sneak peek makes up for the lack of cheek sneak peek, however.

Carrie K said...

I hope you're spending your "free time" putting up Victorian wallpaper in your apartment.

I believe the cure for your skin malady is to knit the chart and wear it......this can be quite difficult if the chart continues in places you can't see well. That's when you'll need help from some kind soul.

Susan said...

Poor dear. Hang in there; on the drive to WI you can huddle in the back seat and whimper, not knitting, if you choose. I'll bring my Looney Toons DVDs to keep Harry amused. You and Martha can fight D for the wine.

Kate said...

I'm in the "zomgASSPHOTO!" group,too.

And then I started thinking about if I actually tattooed a lace chart on my ass. And where I would put the decreases and how I might incorporate those into the pattern, or if I'd just line them up. Maybe ass darts?

Then I drank more Diet Coke and pondered if I might be very, very gay as well, for I love Victorian wallpaper. Upon recognizing that I am female and not at all gay, I determined that the world needs more Diet Coke. And lace.

Anonymous, too said...

While you have that rash, be sure to stay away from the ball winder or you might catch a bad case of the Clapotis!

And the best cure for Victorian wallpaper is to hang lots of it in your home.

AC said...

I am so glad I am not the only one that thought we were getting a peek at Franklin's ass. If we wish real hard for it, will we get it, too?

Stephanie said...

Is this contagious? Because I would like to catch it. Seems easier than going and paying for another tat.

Mel said...

That Victorian wallpaper will get you every time. Have I shown you my tattoo that was a Victorian wallpaper motif?

Kristen said...

A little cortisone cream gently applied by a studly lover will clear that rash right up. If you want it to be cleared up that is. ;)

Nina said...

Hilarious!

ps. better get that rash checked out by a specialist. ;)

badknittykitty said...

Wait until you start dreaming about the wallpaper, then you wake up realizing your hands are actually going through the motions of knitting. TRUE STORY! Freaked the shit out of hubby. BTW I also thought it was an ass pic. Imagine my disapointment when it wasn't. I just love a great butt!

Lily said...

I'm less concerned about the lace chart rash than I am about the subcutaneous ball of yarn.

gail said...

Oh my goodness what a good laugh you gave me Franklin! You are hysterical. I like the comment about the clapotis also. Pure entertainment.

Tameson said...

LOL Franklin. Thank you so much for the early morning giggle.

BTW it looked like a half shaved butt on my computer too.

chellebelle said...

The sock is stunning.. I love Victorian wallpaper too... and I had no problem understanding that your rash picture is NOT your bum, Nice bicep though!

Julie Schuler said...

I love damask wallpaper, too. When I paint portraits I try to talk people into letting me put it behind them- like this http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090728184450/Batman/images/e/e7/Chief_OHara.jpg.
Nice socks!

obsessmuch? said...

Ha, ha! Good to hear from you again. I look forward to seeing what you're cooking up.

Rhonda said...

Well I am NOT gay, so I am looking at that arm muscle!! Wowza. Does knitting make your arms look like that? If so I am doing the wrong type of knitting.

Wool Free and Lovin' Knit said...

well, nice to see you haven't lost your sense of humor. Knitting all day, every day, only knitting??? Sounds heavenly!

Laurie said...

You're lucky it's just a simple case of chart hives and not something nasty like carpal tunnel or arthritic index finger. ;-)

Melistress said...

I love those socks! And I love Lorna's Laces! And I love Victorian wallpaper, although I have none in my home either.

Glad to see you back, even if only for a moment.

Sometimes very very gay people do the best things. Mwah!

Anonymous said...

Maybe if you scratch it will make the shawl bigger.

seashells said...

That Pimpernel wallpaper makes me tingly in funny places. Until a few moments ago I thought I didn't like wallpaper.

Katherine said...

You are HILARIOUS! And you have an enormous bicep! You just made my grumpy day much better.

Also, I am about to complete a 9 foot long scarf, which I embarked upon simply because you mentioned in an off-hand way that 9 ft is a perfect length for a scarf. Or, I may have made it up in my mind that you typed this, and used that fake memory of your encouragement to spur myself on in this project.

Either way, I hope no such rash appears on my considerably less buff arm!

Anonymous said...

thanks for showing me your rash; i'll be giving that pattern a swatch later this afternoon.

marie in florida

you Know : if you show it they will knit it

Seanna Lea said...

I would much rather break out in lace charting symbols than html coding or garter stitch!

Shelda said...

Oh, Franklin, dear... how very fabulous you are. And how I miss you when you're quiet. But then it's utterly delicious to have you back.

That rash is truly stupefying. snerk, snerk.

Stitch 'n Frog said...

I love your sense of humor and Life. If I were younger & single, and if I were a guy or you were not gay, I'd ask you to marry me!

Alas, I am not young, nor single, nor a guy, so I guess I will just have to ogle your rash and enjoy your sense of humor, all from afar~
~sigh~ ~ ~

Jasmin said...

OMG! Lace charts must be hard-coded to your DNA, a la Dark Angel (with the bar codes on the necks). :)

kristi said...

Reminds me of a very fine children's book by David Shannon called _A Bad Case of Stripes_. The cure there was lima beans... and being true to oneself despite others thinking you're unusual.

Karen said...

Wash with Eucalan. It'll help the rash.

ThatLoganChick said...

I do so hope that you're aware the only cure for an outbreak of charts is a proper blocking.

Fill the tub with hot (not scalding) water and a generous helping of Eucalaan or Soak, in the fragance of your choice. Play around in the bubbles until the water grows tepid. Be cautious when leaving the tub, as you don't want to stretch anything out. You'll then need a vigorous pat down with a clean towel, following which you should be pinned out on a nice clean sheet, and given plenty of time to dry.

And do think of the environment. If you're going to make soapy water for blocking, block at least two things together. And bubbles are always more fun with a friend.

Anonymous said...

Your rash reminds me of the Chocolate Fever book from when I was a kid! This kid who LOVES chocolate breaks out in chocolate spots. IRC, the antidote to chocolate was it's opposite flavor. So I suggest a nice garter stitch project or two (or seventeen or eighteen! You appear to have a very advanced case, Franklin!) with no intarsia or "fancy schmancy" stuff. That should set you right!

(PS, I had no problems telling the difference between biceps and bootie.)

Kere

Alwen said...

Welllll, your rash isn't too bad - just think, you could be breaking out in Herbert Niebling charts with those "knit into the same stitch 7 times" symbols in there.

PFennessy said...

I guess I am officially old. I did not see the "butt" shot at all until I read the comments (although I was oogling the bicep). Then my kids came and asked why I was looking at some man's weird butt shot! Love ya!

dawn s said...

Isn't it amazing that I will proudly vote for Palin in 2012 yet I still enjoy reading your blog.

MsAmpuTeeHee said...

You have me giggling for sure...but I'm going to laugh even harder if anyone does some knitting based on your chest-chart.

Marlowe said...

Love the sock.

Meg said...

Are those lace charts avec cheveux going to be on display at TNNA this weekend? I sure wouldn't mind visiting with you.

YogaNan knits, too... said...

That beats the rash I got from the "natural" bug spray I doused myself with! And I love the sock; will be waiting on pins & needles to see the finished product!

Kayten said...

I have been obsessing over a new electronic diet aid/pedometer, the Fitbit, for the past few days and thus missed yesterday's entry. After accomplishing over 11,000 steps for the day, some of which were executed in the cold, steady rain, it has been delightful to turn to you and find myself laughing even more of my a** off as a reward for my day's toil. I have to admit it took me a bit to figure out which part your anatomy was being represented. It only added to ny glee!
Love the charts.

anne marie in philly said...

a shirtless pix...fuzz...(faints)

(I love you too, she whispered as she slipped off the chair and onto the floor)

Riin said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who was wondering why you posted a pic of your oddly asymmetrically hairy butt.

Jenny said...

My husband also thought this was a photo of your butt. When will you be posting a photo of your butt? Inquiring minds want to know....
If you won't be doing that, well, thanks for the pic of your bicep. It was wonderful.

geogrrl said...

Oh, Stitch n' Frog, I asked him to marry me AGES ago. DH said it was okay with him.

And I knew from the start that was a bicep/chest shot.

Knittinrn said...

Thank You Franklin for making my Day!! :-)

Anonymous said...

Franklin,

Have you seen this blog?
http://thetextileblog.blogspot.com/2010/06/original-artwork-of-william-morris.html

Lots of 19th century wallpaper a few posts back - should help entertain you.

Charlene

Knitting Out Loud said...

Love the photo! Keep knitting!

Suzanne said...

"go put some Calamine lotion on my yarn overs"...that did it for me. I've missed you and glad you are back in rare form.

MerryBrown said...

Be careful what you wish for huh?
Well I think a lot of us are wishing for a photo of the real butt that goes with this illusory one...hm?

Jeanne in Nevada City said...

Tee-Hee -
I too first viewed the photo on my blackberry screen - and couldn't figure out what I was looking at - lots of skin and hair?!!

I'll trade you your lace chart rash for the hole in my index finger that never heals (from knitting with teeny pointy needles)

Good to have some words from you!

Miss Sandra said...

I'm about to embark on a charted design and was not aware I could break out! As an esthetician I'll take precautions.

Anonymous said...

>>and one night I was getting ready for bed when I noticed this on my chest and upper arms<<
Perhaps I'm the only one, but honestly, my brain registered that photo as an extremely cute butt. The hair brought up interesting questions. I chose to ignore them and focus on the cute butt.

I was sooooo disappointed, as I read on, that I was actually looking at your upper arm. Which ain't too shabby, either.

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm... I must not knit enough yet. I only get crossword puzzle rashes, and mainly on my elbow. :) Must. Knit. MORE!!! samm

Anonymous said...

Had to add that the comments are nearly as funny as the post! :) Great readers here, Panoptican! Great readers. samm

inkberryblue said...

Franklin,
You are a funny man. Deliciously so.
(With, it must be said, great biceps.)
Thank you for making me laugh! *Mwah*

Anonymous said...

I just spluttered my coffee - I checked the photo without reading the text and your bicep is very shapely. So shapely in fact that I thought it was your right buttock and was kind of transfixed by the concept of a man whose back hair extends down to only one buttock....
Need to lie down under a damp face cloth...

Nic x

RuTemple said...

Oh dear. You can tell I play with pencils - my brain went immediately to Sudoku-as-pattern-element land.

jujuridl said...

I'm with Lily. Distracted by the comely biceps. Who knew yarn-overs could sculpt such a beauty?

kmkat said...

I am currently recovering from a similar rash, although without the knitting symbols. My dermatologist prescribed a time-consuming cure:
http://kmkat.typepad.com/kmkat_and_her_kneedles/2010/06/the-itch-factory-is-closed.html

Diane said...

May I suggest a lotion containing lanolin?

FiberQat said...

Gwd help you if you break out into bobbles.

I suggest you make a trip to Unst right away to recuperate from your rash. Either that or a trip to Sharon Miller's house.

Anne O'Nymous said...

There's an idea for car-bound knitters! Don't worry about losing your lace chart; wear shorts, grab a Sharpie, and off you go. A well-placed headlamp at night, and you're set. (The shy sorts can zip on the legs of their convertable cargo shorts-pants thingies when they get to rest stops.)

Lovely sock, Mr. H!

Cat said...

I love the way that sock looks. I look forward to meeting you at K.C. Unfortunately your picture taking class was full but I'll see you at the signing. I'll have my KIP t-shirt that you designed ;-)

Hugs!!!

Karen M said...

Nice biceps !

spacemaurader said...

Seeing that knitting with it's loops all naked gave me the same gasping reaction one gets from seeing a toddler walking on the top of a wall. Somebody, get some needles into those loops, for pity's sake! That stuff will unravel just by having Dolores swagger passed it.

Spiminarian said...

I have to say that I love that you're into William Morris wallpaper and sockifying it. I was assigned him as my topic for my research paper when I studied in England, and was like "Who is this guy? He makes wallpaper. Why couldn't I have been assigned Jane Austen?" But he turned out to be pretty cool, after my eyes got used to looking at his wallpaper.

jayayceeblog said...

If you do end up at the hospital, only take wooden needles. You'll lose all your metals in the MRI! Gorgeous Victorian Wallpaper socks!!!

trek said...

Pattern reminds me of the Girl Scout World Trefoil pin.

Anonymous said...

OMG what a great post. Break out in lace charts!

Eileen said...

*snicker* If I were you, I'd see if Dolores was behind (ahem) that rash.

And it's good to see you back. Even nekkid. Or almost. (According to many of the comments here...)

BTW, I found a new (to me) 1928 cookbook and it is amazing. Royal Baking Powder published it. Next time you're digging through the books at an antiques mall, keep an eye out. So far I've baked two items, and both recipes were keepers!

2eclipse said...

i once wished to knit all day.
now i can knit for 10 hours straight and have a mutated looking right hand because the muscle is so much bigger on that hand than on the other.
also if you wind up in the mayo i will come visit you. :) we can have a big stitch n' bitch at the hospital during visiting hours. :)

Anonymous said...

Wow,,,Nice gun...Heather

JC said...

wow. i really didn't need to see the shirtless shot. :0(

Teresa said...

There's no Franklin like *you* Franklin!

knitguyla said...

Would you move the left? I can't see beyond the second YO. Thx!

Limetime13 said...

You are hilarious.

Polly said...

Love the sock and can't wait to see it finished. I'm sure you wil find the lace charts etched on the backs of your eyeballs. At least they will convenient when you need them.

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