Thursday, July 12, 2012


Young knitters often stop me on the street* and ask, "Franklin, how do you determine whether or not a person ought to get a knitted gift or a store-bought gift?"

My personal rule for deciding this couldn't be simpler. I ask myself these two questions regarding the potential recipient:
  1. Are you a close blood relation with whom I am on speaking terms?
  2. Are you providing me with high-quality free sex on a regular basis?

If the the answer to either question** is "yes," then I will consider knitting a gift.

So often, though, the confused young knitter confesses that he or she finds these criteria insufficient, and asks for further clarification. To that end, I have prepared the following chart. Unlike me, it is available for consultation twenty-four hours a day, every day; and you will never stop it to ask it questions when it is horribly late for an important meeting or, frankly, just needs to get home and pee.


*Not really.
**I hasten to reassure the gentle reader that the answer to both questions is never "yes."

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

United Stash of America


It's Independence Day in the United States of America, which means it's a day for reading and remembering the beautiful, immortal words of Thomas Jefferson.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

The full text of the Declaration of Independence is here.

(Note that there is at present no list of exceptions regarding who exactly is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Let's try to keep it that way.)